A Guide to financial infidelity

Financial infidelity is becoming increasingly common owing to an enduring cost of living crisis, easy access to digital banking, apps and accounts which can make it easier to hide financial information and the difficulty that many couples face in having an open and honest conversation about money.

What is financial infidelity?

Financial infidelity involves a betrayal of trust. It involves one partner hiding or being dishonest about money and their financial situation. It might be that they have run up huge debts, taken out financial loans or have an addiction to gambling or drugs that they need to finance, that their partner knows nothing about. Similarly, it can involve lying about their level of income or hiding money in accounts and investments that their partner doesn’t know about.

Signs of financial infidelity

If you suspect your partner of financial infidelity, there are several red flags that are worth investigating, such as:

• Defensive, secretive and evasive behaviour around any discussion of finances
• Any unexplained changes in spending patterns
• Wanting total control over financial matters without your help or input
• Missing bank statements, bills and other financial paperwork
• Unexplained cash withdrawals or payments and transactions

The impact of financial infidelity

In the same way that uncovering your partner has been unfaithful, discovering that your partner has been lying about financial matters is a shocking betrayal of trust. It can leave you feeling highly unsettled and can make you question what else they could be lying about. It may also expose addiction or mental health issues you were unaware of and leave you in a precarious financial situation, unable to meet the cost of your outgoings.

The strain of dealing with financial infidelity often results in the breakdown of the relationship, while the emotional and practical impact can make itself felt for many years to come.

Coping with the fallout from financial infidelity

If you suspect financial infidelity, you must sit down with your partner and have a full and frank discussion about what is going on. Total transparency is required, so you have a clear picture of the financial situation and an appreciation of what caused your partner to behave in this way. Gather all the evidence, such as bank statements, credit card bills, tax returns, salary slips and loan agreements so you can assess the situation properly.

Seek emotional support from a trusted friend, therapist or financial counsellor and practical support from a financial planner, debt advisor or family solicitor to understand your rights and options moving forward.

If you decide to stay in the relationship and work out the situation together, it is important that you take an active role in all financial matters. You will need to set clear boundaries for spending, devise a workable payment plan for any debt, organise any consolidating loans required to get you out of a financial fix and organise regular financial health checks with each other. Your partner may also need help and support with addiction or mental health issues, while you will need to rebuild trust between you both.

Professional help

A comprehensive list of organisations that can help with debt advice, solutions and budgeting tools can be found here https://www.gov.uk/debt-advice

Specifically, the following organisations can offer valuable help:

• StepChange, the UK’s leading debt charity: 0800 138 1111, www.stepchange.org
• National Debtline, charity offers free confidential debt advice 0808 808 4000, www.nationaldebtline.org
• Citizens Advice, free debt advice www.citizensadvice.org.uk
• PayPlan, free debt advice, solutions and budgeting tools www.payplan.com
• Mental Health & Money Advice, covers mental health and financial problems https://mentalhealthandmoneyadvice.org/

Financial abuse

Financial infidelity is not always a form of financial abuse. While it involves secrecy and deception, it only strays into abuse when finances are used to control, exploit or trap a partner. In short, financial infidelity involves deception, whereas financial abuse is all about control.

If your partner is using money to manipulate you, restricting your access to shared accounts, making you ask for money for necessities or forcing you to run up debts, these are all signs of financial abuse.

If you, or someone you know, is a victim of financial abuse, the Ann Craft charity can offer practical advice and support, along with signposting other useful organisations that can help https://www.anncrafttrust.org/resources/get-support-if-you-or-someone-you-know-is-a-victim-of-financial-abuse/

If you are struggling with the issues around divorce or separation, we offer a no obligation 60-minute initial consultation for you to understand the impact on your specific family circumstances for £150 (including. VAT). To arrange a meeting, please call us on 01444 472700, email info@tisshawssolicitors.co.uk or complete the form below.