Coping with the grief of divorce

The divorce process can feel like being on an emotional rollercoaster. Feelings of anger, regret, sadness, anxiety and guilt can sometimes feel overwhelming. Even when the legal aspects of a divorce are settled, many people are left feeling a sense of grief. This is completely natural, whether you initiated the divorce or were reluctant to divorce, you have lost the hope and optimism of a shared life with someone you once loved.

Many people wonder when they will start to feel better, but the truth is that like grieving a loved one who has passed, you never get over feelings of grief, you learn to live with them.

Recognising feelings of grief and regret

Below are some of the triggers that can lead you to post-divorce feelings of regret and grief for the end of the relationship.

• Struggling with the intensity of post-divorce emotions, such as anxiety, guilt and anger
• Nostalgia for your former lifestyle and living with less money
• Coping with the impact of the divorce on your family, children and friends
• Feeling isolated and left out socially when married couples are making plans
• Missing the companionship of your ex

Learning to integrate uncomfortable emotions

If you can identify what triggers your emotional overwhelm, it can help to discuss these with a close friend or therapist to find ways to minimise the impact on you.

However, psychologists now believe that the grief one feels post-divorce needs to be felt, acknowledged and lived with. For example, if you see a family with small children having fun on an outing, accept that you will probably feel regret, nostalgia and heartache for your former life. Do not try to repress or deny these emotions. Trying to avoid or block uncomfortable emotions is how we get emotionally stuck. By contrast, in letting ourselves feel and release the emotions, they pass, freeing us to move forward.

In this sense, moving on is not about reaching a place where we are over divorce grief but a state where we learn to grow around divorce grief. Integrating painful emotions means that we understand and accept that we will continue to feel sad, regretful and nostalgic at times and are not stuck simply waiting for these feelings to be over so we can begin to heal and move forward.

Divorce grief does not get smaller; our lives get fuller and bigger

The newly accepted wisdom is not to fear your feelings but to learn to live with them without feeling unduly anxious. The powerful emotions you have post-divorce are a completely natural part of the grieving process. Knowing this and accepting that these feelings will come and go with varying degrees of intensity will help you to build a new and fulfilling life around them.

When they do pop up, it does not mean you are not progressing or recovering, it shows that you are moving forward in your ability to integrate them, look forward and continue building a better future for yourself.

If you are struggling with issues arising from separation and divorce, we offer a no obligation initial consultation for a fixed fee of £100 (incl. VAT), for up to one hour. At this meeting, we can advise you on all the issues relating to your personal circumstances, allowing you to make informed decisions moving forward.

To book an appointment please call 01444 472700, email us at [email protected] or complete the form below.