Helping children through divorce

One of the main concerns of separating parents is the impact of a divorce on their children. Many children will be heartbroken at such life-changing news but there are steps parents can take to help to minimise their pain and upset.

Telling the children

As parents you are the best judge of when, where and how to tell your children that you are separating. Beyond this, there are other factors which can help to minimise the impact and help them to still feel loved and secure.

Firstly, try to agree with your ex-partner what you plan to say. If possible, tell the children together in their home environment, using age-appropriate language and keeping things as factual and rational as possible. Provide reassurance that it is not their fault and that you will both continue to love and care for them as before.

Encourage them to express their feelings, but do not make false promises about the future. If possible, try to have ready answers for where they will live and whether they can continue going to the same school and maintain contact with their friends and family.

We would also recommend you tell your children’s nursery and school what is happening at home, so they may understand any drop off in schoolwork and anti-social behaviour.

How to support the children

In the long term, most children adapt to separation and divorce and if they have been living in a tense and volatile family situation, for many it may be a relief. However, during the early days it’s important to make time and space for your children in some of the following ways.

Talking & reassuring

Do talk to your children about how they are feeling. Do not judge their emotional response to the situation, but show you understand and can empathise with how they feel. Always ensure that they understand that they are still loved, and that the separation is not their fault.

Keeping a stable routine

Where possible, maintain as much routine as possible in your children’s lives to help keep things on an even keel. Continue to see wider family members including both sets of grandparents and try to schedule some enjoyable trips and activities to help distract them from any upset they may be feeling.

Ensuring protection from adult conflict

It’s important that you and your ex-partner put on a united front and do not argue in front of the children or bad mouth each other. Do not make them feel like they must take sides and do protect them from adult and legal conversations.

Keeping them informed

Do ensure that you keep children updated with any arrangements that concern them, particularly relating to school holidays, birthdays and Christmas. It’s also important to make sure the children know which parent is responsible for buying things like school uniform, new shoes, pocket money, lunch money and organising their activities.

Seeking professional help

As mentioned before, most children adapt well to separation and divorce given the time. However, if you feel your child is struggling, do seek help in the first instance, from your GP or school counsellor.

If you are struggling with the impact of divorce and separation, we offer a no obligation initial consultation for a fixed fee of £100 (incl. VAT), for up to one hour. At this meeting, we can advise you on all the issues relating to your personal circumstances, allowing you to make informed decisions moving forward.

To book an appointment please call 01444 472700, email us at [email protected] or complete the form below.