Supporting children through the divorce process

The decision to divorce is never easy and concerns over the impact this may have on your children is a major factor. However, it’s important to remember that for many children, living in a tense and hostile environment can be more damaging than coping with family breakdown.

While initially your children may be upset, angry and confused, some will feel a sense of relief and overtime, most children adapt well to new family arrangements, particularly where both parents go on to be happier and more fulfilled.

To help you support your children through the early more challenging days, we’ve put together some advice to help minimise the impact of divorce and separation.

How to tell the children

Ideally, this would be done with both parents present. You know your children better than anyone and know the best way to tell them that you are separating. If possible, decide beforehand on what you will say and try to keep it factual and rational.

Try to have ready answers for issues such as where they will live, how they will maintain contact with both parents, whether they can stay at the same school and if not, how they can maintain their friendships and wider family connections. Do not make false promises. In the long term, it is easier and kinder to be truthful and realistic about future expectations.

Do emphasise how much you both love them and that the split has nothing to do with them. The main thing is to ensure the children feel secure and loved throughout.

We would also recommend telling your children’s nursery or school about the split, so that they can deal with any anti-social behaviour or drop off in schoolwork with compassion and understanding.

Dealing with the emotional fallout

It’s important to allow your children to express their emotions and for them to feel seen and heard in their pain. Encourage them to talk about their feelings and empathise with them, without trying to fix or change their emotional response.

Do listen more than you talk and give them the space to indulge their grief without any judgement. In listening to them and really hearing what they are saying, children feel that they matter and that you are emotionally available to them.

During the early days, do try to make time to plan some enjoyable activities or visits together to provide some light relief and distraction.

Maintain stability

If possible, maintain as much stability as is possible, sticking to familiar daily routines. Do also ensure that you continue to see wider family members, friends and both sets of grandparents. If this is not possible, try to establish a ‘new normal’ as quickly as possible, as a set routine can be a comfort during a time of change.

Protect the children from adult conflict

Do not argue in front of the children and try not to bad mouth each other in private. Whatever your issues are with your ex, try to shield your children from your emotions, as well as adult and legal conversations pertaining to the split. Never encourage them to take sides and try never to communicate through your children.

Keep children informed

Keep children updated with any arrangements that concern them, particularly relating to school holidays, birthdays and Christmas. You also need to ensure the children know which parent is responsible for buying things like school uniform, new shoes, pocket money, lunch money and organising their activities.

Seeking professional help

While most children come to terms with family breakdown and continue to thrive after divorce, a few find it particularly hard to cope with. In such cases, it is worthwhile talking to the child’s teacher or school counsellor for additional support in helping them to cope. Alternatively, you can seek professional support through your GP.

If you are struggling with the impact of divorce and separation, we offer a no obligation initial consultation for a fixed fee of £150 (incl. VAT), for up to one hour. At this meeting, we can advise you on all the issues relating to your personal circumstances, allowing you to make informed decisions moving forward.

To book an appointment please call 01444 472700, email us at info@tisshawssolicitors.co.uk or complete the form below.